Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
