i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
