I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize