I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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