somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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