The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
