Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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