I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
