I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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