Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
