he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
