i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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