this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
even my farts smell like vagina
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I need moral support for this bender
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize