We got so high we made milksteak
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
