mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
