saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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