It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
