Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize