Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
