My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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