he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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