Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
