after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
