That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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