weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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