Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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