I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
