I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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