'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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