I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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