I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
