she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
