You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
