His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
