Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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