I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
