i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
