i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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