Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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