There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
