i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
