I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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