a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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