Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
