If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
