I faked an abortion last night.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
