She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
