belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
