Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
