im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Found the puke drawer
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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