dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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