Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
