My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
