I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Let's get the cat blown out
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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