I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
