I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
