high people should be assigned attendants
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Less talking, more tequila
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
