I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
