I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
