So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
