420 ftw
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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